The kind of woman I want my daughter to be

When I got laid off in January, I was finishing up my degree, but had little else going on. I decided to not try to find another job until I graduated in May. We live with my mother, and while I do pay some rent and our groceries, we could afford it. Besides I would've only been able to get a part-time job because of class, and it wouldn't really be worth it. So it was decided. I'd be a student and a mother. No more working for a little while.

I thought it was going to be fantastic..and really it was. Take Chloe to school everyday, be there when she got off the bus, just spend time with the little girl that I normally had to cart off to daycare everyday. And while we did have fun, went to a few museums and parks we normally didn't get to, made our own valentines for her party, etc. I ended up feeling bored real fast. So we joined the Y.

Going to the Y started off innocently. Went a few times a week, here and there, no set schedule and worked out for about an hour. Then it progressed to every Monday through Friday I'd go right after dropping Chloe off at school and I wouldn't stop working out until it was time to be back to meet her at home. And then, it jumped to twice a day 3 days a week, along with just once a day the other days, and possibly Saturday and Sunday. I was hooked. A work-out junkie. I'd lose a pound or two and be on a high. I'd eat a burger or gain a pound and run off to the gym for an hour or two just sweating it out. I felt like I was doing something again. Losing my job made me feel like a failure. And by NO means am I saying SAHMs are failures or need to go find something to do. Not at all. That's tough work! I have incredible respect for any woman (or man) who can do that full-time. That's just not me. At least at this point in my life, so when I lost my job, I was missing something. My value or worth, I guess. I felt like working out in the gym, joining exercise classes filled all that, giving me something to do. And a healthy, inexpensive thing to do. Well, maybe not so healthy after all...

I lost 10 pounds and dropped a couple sizes. But my mother was telling me that I was looking too skinny. I felt great though, and found it hard to believe that the woman who has been asking me since I was 15 "are you really going to eat that? do you know all the fat and calories in it?" (even when I was pregnant) was now telling me I was skinny....but that's another blog.... For me it was all working out according to plan. Exercising relieved stress, I felt better about myself and felt I was being a better mother. Then Chloe asks, "Are you afraid to get fat, Mommy?"

That question knocked the wind out of me. I immediately said no. Absolutely not. That Mommy just exercises to be healthy and it's a fun thing to do. That we take care of our bodies and what we put in them so we can live long and be happy. "But why do you do it so much?" I dismissed it as nothing, that it's great to get daily exercise. And then immediately hid in my room to keep my little girl from seeing the tears.

It took a child to give me a wake-up call. A wake-up call I'd needed in the past that I usually had to hear from my sister after calling her in tears. "Mom said I'm fat again! I haven't been eating for days now! Why am I such a cow?! etc, etc..." The truth is (and was): I'm not "fat." I'm not even particularly overweight. Sure, I've gained some pounds since high school, and most definitely since having a child. Absolutley nothing wrong with that.

Fast forward to now. I've been working a desk job for two months. I started dating someone new (and wonderful). Both of these things have contributed to my steady decline at the gym to only going maybe once a month. I've also gained 5 of those pounds back. And I'll admit, it's scary. While I can't admit that I've had an eating disorder in the past, because in my mind it's not that severe, there's obviously been something going on. I made the effort to stop weighing myself everyday, but the urge creeps up and I do it for a week straight, rarely happy with what I see. I have internal struggles with myself daily. The title of this blog is from Jewel's song, Stronger Woman. It's just so true. I want to be that woman! I don't want my daughter to grow up worrying about a pound or two. I don't want her weighing herself everyday. That was the most heart-wrenching part of her asking me if I was trying not to get fat. I will NEVER say the things to her that my mother said to me. I want to raise a healthy, happy, confident child. And in order to do that, I have to feel that way about myself. It's as simple as that. And just as complicated.