Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Knock it off, clock!!

(*Disclaimer: I am absolutely blessed to have a daughter, and would be extremely grateful if she is the only child I have)

I’m not married. My job isn’t all that secure. I’m in a very new relationship. I’m living with my mother, for crying out loud. All signs point in the opposite direction…but I can’t help it. I want another one. A baby. A cuddly, cooing, spitty baby.

The urge really starting hitting last year when Chloe started kindergarten. Fear started creeping in. My baby’s all grown up! What now?? It also didn’t help that around the same time Chloe was practically begging for “two brothers.” Don’t ask me why two or why brothers, but that’s what she wanted, and still wants.

“Mommy, I want two brothers.”

“Maybe someday, sweetheart.”

“Well, when?”

“It might be a little while…”

“Can’t you just go to the daddy store and find a daddy, get married, and give me two brothers??”

“It’s not that easy, honey.”

Disgusted at this point, she focuses on something else. For about three minutes. And then the cycle of questions continues. What’s even better is when she starts naming random men to make this possible. The guy at the Y who works the front desk (I think he’s barely 18), her tee ball coach (happily married with his own children), the pizza delivery guy, and most recently, the guy I’m dating. Chloe, trying to help her mother out, decided to share her intentions with R. I cringed, opening one eye, fully expecting to see dust from him running away so fast. He laughed, and said “Wow, two brothers, huh? We’ll just have to see about that. No pressure.” And now I can’t even glance at a baby, toddler, pregnant belly, without R teasing, “stop that….”

In the eyes of a six-year-old it’s all very simple. And I kind of wish it were that simple. I can just imagine how dense she must think her mother is for not being able to figure out how this works.

Now before I have friends and family beating me upside the head with “you can’t!” I’d also like to mention I’m not really going to do it. I’m not really going to try to get pregnant. In fact, I’m doing the opposite. I’m actively preventing pregnancy. But that does not mean that I will not melt every single time I see a little, tiny munchkin. Oh, and don’t mind me smiling as I notice your pregnant belly either. Not in the weird, stalker way…just the “can’t wait to be there again someday” way.